What Is Self-Love? 3 Myths Debunked

"Self-love" is the wellness trend that won't go away. But, while it may sound like an excellent idea, most of us have a pretty vague concept of what self-love looks like in practice.

In this article, I debunk the three most common myths about self-love. But first, let's take a look at what self-love is — and what it isn't.

What Is Self-Love?

When you think of self-love, you may think of meditation, chocolate, wine, bubble baths, spa days, quality time with family or friends, taking a vacation, or reading a book.

Or perhaps you think about self-love in terms of relationships with others: setting healthy boundaries, putting your needs first, and drawing the line at abusive behavior.

And while all of those things can be part of it, self-love is not an action you take. It's a feeling you experience that informs your actions— just like when you're in love with another person.

But how do you achieve that feeling? The journey to self-love is a deep-dive into your own psyche.

In order to love yourself, you must first know yourself. Therefore, the path to self-love begins with taking a long, honest look at yourself — especially the dark, ugly parts that you would much rather ignore.

As you get to know yourself, you must learn to accept the parts that you usually reject and suppress. Kindness and compassion will be your most useful tools for cultivating self-love because it usually gets messy before it gets better.

Self-love is a process, not an end goal. Just like a romantic relationship, it ebbs and flows over time and requires lifelong effort to make it work. It's a healing journey that will connect you to your soul and lead you to your most aligned life.

It would take a whole book to go into depth on the definition of self-love. So instead, I decided to debunk the three most common self-love myths to help you get started on your journey. Let's dive right in.

Myth 1: Self-Love Is Selfish

You can't love anyone else more than you love yourself. So if you can't fully love yourself, you can't fully love others either.

Seeing it in these terms makes you realize that you are not doing anyone any favors by not putting yourself first or taking care of your own emotional and physical needs.

You want to be there for your family, friends, and work — but you can't pour from an empty cup. When you love yourself, that love overflows in an endless stream, allowing you to give and give without ever becoming depleted — trying to give from a place of self-loathing leads to burn out and resentment.

So put yourself first. Prioritize your healing. Give yourself what you need — not at the expense of others, but so you can give them the best of yourself.

Myth 2: Self-Love Is Spa Days and Sparkling Wine

What most people picture when they hear the term "self-love" is actually self-care, and it barely scratches the surface of what true self-love is.

Self-care is necessary, of course. It's the foundation on which self-love is built. You cannot ever achieve self-love if you neglect your physical and emotional needs.

So yes, spa days and bubbles (sparkling wine AND the bubbles pictured above) can be part of self-love, if they're what you need to feel physically, mentally, and emotionally balanced. Finding balance is essential for doing the deeper work of self-love, and self-care helps us to achieve that.

But the real work of self-love requires deep exploration of your inner world. You must face the beliefs, stories, and experiences that shape your view of yourself and transcend them. This work will lead you back to your natural state, which is a state of pure love — for yourself and for everything else in the universe.

Myth 3: Self-Love Is Conditional

Photo Credit : Pretty Deadly Self Defense (Self-care at its finest)

People often think, "I'll be able to love myself when I (insert life goal here)." The problem with this way of thinking is that it makes self-love conditional on your achievements, whatever they may be. By implication, you tell yourself that you are not worthy of love — yours or anyone else's — without these external markers of success. This means that you believe yourself to be innately and inherently unworthy.

But that could not be further from the truth. You are, by the mere fact of your existence, just as worthy and deserving of love as everyone else in the world. But by making self-love conditional, you deprive yourself of that which you naturally deserve.

Not only that, but self-love is actually a precondition for success. It is much harder to achieve your life goals from self-loathing than a place of self-love. Put self-love first, and the rest will fall into place.

So, now that you know what self-love is and — more importantly — what it isn't. What can you do to start being a little more loving to yourself today? Let me know in the comments. Or better yet, share your thoughts in a minute or two below. We would love to celebrate you with wellness gifts!

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And don't forget to share this article with someone who needs a little more self-love in her life.

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Victoria Peel-Yates is a self-declared Cat servant. Shower singer. Smartblogger-certified content marketer who writes about wellness (aka her daily life); and co-creates human-centered content for various beauty, health and business sites.